I miss Chase.

why is Chase Korte dead?

it is so wrong. I want it to make sense, so I say things to myself that don't make sense. Perhaps he was bound for this? He was an accelerated spiritual seeker--more ardent than most in matters of truth. He burned a littler hotter than most. I want these facts to add up to a reason. But I cannot accept any justification for this senseless event.

I want him back. I don't want him to be dead anymore. I want him to live and make it big, to get a big break in a small film, recognized by a select but important few, and then to move into a bigger game, to get something on the national radar, a red carpet, an oscar nod.

I want to have new memories with him and not have to conjure up old ones as my only way of making him come alive. But now it can only be memories that I shared with Chase, no possibility of making new ones. that is so bad.

chase was a brother to me. our feelings for eachother were deep, mutual, and tacitly realized with each new interaction. I never imagined growing old with him because we never felt old when we were together--old wasn't something we dabbled in.

I feel sick and angry. My mind is a punching bag filled with dead leaves and wet dirt.

the man was so ambitious. he was joyous. he was strong and confident. he had many faces, and at the core of each one lie an earnest center of sincerity and good will. he was humble. he was funny. he was beat. he was brilliant.