fun on the chin
so. in the interest of full to disclosure to ye, my faithful blograds... I have herpes. specifically herpes of the face. it's something that lies dormant in the local nerve cells where it was originally aquired. In times of physical or emotional stress, the herpes soldiers valiantly flare up, producing yellow oozing sores that itch like hell. I believe my special case came from a hockey helmet purchased at Play It Again Sports! Probably some wrestler decided to quit hockey and sell all his stuff. The latest instant, just this week, I had a cut that became a zit and then came the telltale tingling of a "flare up." I feel like we're closer already.
I've gotten pretty good at dealing with this stuff. I think I originally got it when I was 13 or 14... in fact I think I got it like right before the first day of school one year (7th or 8th grade). I was completely mortified. That was the worst flare up I ever got. I didn't know what it was so I just itched the hell out of it... feels so good to itch. just itch it a little bit... NO! anyways you have to never touch your face, especially to itch it, and you must wash your hands a lot. there is a few different prescriptions and one over the counter called abreva that all work well. abreva costs $18 and it comes in a .000001 oz. container that you need a scanning electron microscope to operate. but when you have pus-filled sores on your face, you pay whatever the man asks. the herpes spot runs its course in a few days to a week, eventually turning into a scab and falling off your face without further ad-u.
so I'm not quite as prideful as I was in 7th grade, but I still got the urge to stay home from work when I got the flare up a few days ago. I'm also better at rationalizing these days, so I could say to myself, 'self, you don't want to risk giving it to the other kids. Yeah, you should stay home for their sake, not just because you're vain.' but I went to work anyways, and people of course were very nice and concerned about it all.
You see, in America, in english, we have a lovely phrase that helps people like me face reality whilst sore-ridden. That phrase is, "COLD SORE." Yes, say it with me now, "cold sore!"
"oh, joe, what the hell is wrong with your face?"
"oh, yeah, that. cold sore," I shrugged.
"oh..." they reply knowingly, not knowing at all what they're tacitly accepting. you see, the lovely phrase 'cold sore' allows me to gloss over a host of uncomfortable truths. first, it's HERPES. second, you have it for life; there is no cure. third, that lovely little unripe strawberry on my face is full of yellow juice that, if it touches you, gives you herpes... for life. 4th, it itches like hell and all I want to do right now is rip off my clothes, lay in my own filth, itch the hell out of my chin, and moan like a dog.
"yep, cold sore," I intone.
"mmm... cold sore. know about those! you poor thing." they chime.
where did this term come from? surely a group of embarrased herpes victims must have gotten together and cooked it up. surely it did not come from people actually getting herpes from the cold outside.
"hey, billy, put a hat on. You'll catch cold... and herpes."
next scene: "I have a cold sore. From the COLD."
"oh really, are you sure you don't want to call it a prostitute's ass-sore, cause you got it from a prostitute's ass?"
"no, really, it's a cold sore. we all decided."
only one student wasn't willing to drop it at 'cold sore.'
"eeww, joe, what's on your face?"
"oh, that--cold sore," shrugs I.
"what? a COLD SORE?! that's gross! isn't that HERPES?!!!!!"
"yeah, brandon why don't you fucking keep it down."
"why, that's what it is, isn't it? It's herpes. I don't mean to be mean but... that's what it is." Then I push him down and run out of the room crying.
What happens if I move to another country where they don't have a polite term for a lifelong, extremely contagious virus? Like, what if I move to China and they totally know what's up with Herpes and their term reflects their advanced knowledge. Like, what if they call cold sores "Weeping Face Dragon on Fire" (one character)?
"oh my god! it's a weeping face dragon on fire! why the fuck did you come to work today?"
"no, no, it's a 'cold sore.'" and I run out of the room crying.
I gotta go, it's time for another round of Abreva.
I've gotten pretty good at dealing with this stuff. I think I originally got it when I was 13 or 14... in fact I think I got it like right before the first day of school one year (7th or 8th grade). I was completely mortified. That was the worst flare up I ever got. I didn't know what it was so I just itched the hell out of it... feels so good to itch. just itch it a little bit... NO! anyways you have to never touch your face, especially to itch it, and you must wash your hands a lot. there is a few different prescriptions and one over the counter called abreva that all work well. abreva costs $18 and it comes in a .000001 oz. container that you need a scanning electron microscope to operate. but when you have pus-filled sores on your face, you pay whatever the man asks. the herpes spot runs its course in a few days to a week, eventually turning into a scab and falling off your face without further ad-u.
so I'm not quite as prideful as I was in 7th grade, but I still got the urge to stay home from work when I got the flare up a few days ago. I'm also better at rationalizing these days, so I could say to myself, 'self, you don't want to risk giving it to the other kids. Yeah, you should stay home for their sake, not just because you're vain.' but I went to work anyways, and people of course were very nice and concerned about it all.
You see, in America, in english, we have a lovely phrase that helps people like me face reality whilst sore-ridden. That phrase is, "COLD SORE." Yes, say it with me now, "cold sore!"
"oh, joe, what the hell is wrong with your face?"
"oh, yeah, that. cold sore," I shrugged.
"oh..." they reply knowingly, not knowing at all what they're tacitly accepting. you see, the lovely phrase 'cold sore' allows me to gloss over a host of uncomfortable truths. first, it's HERPES. second, you have it for life; there is no cure. third, that lovely little unripe strawberry on my face is full of yellow juice that, if it touches you, gives you herpes... for life. 4th, it itches like hell and all I want to do right now is rip off my clothes, lay in my own filth, itch the hell out of my chin, and moan like a dog.
"yep, cold sore," I intone.
"mmm... cold sore. know about those! you poor thing." they chime.
where did this term come from? surely a group of embarrased herpes victims must have gotten together and cooked it up. surely it did not come from people actually getting herpes from the cold outside.
"hey, billy, put a hat on. You'll catch cold... and herpes."
next scene: "I have a cold sore. From the COLD."
"oh really, are you sure you don't want to call it a prostitute's ass-sore, cause you got it from a prostitute's ass?"
"no, really, it's a cold sore. we all decided."
only one student wasn't willing to drop it at 'cold sore.'
"eeww, joe, what's on your face?"
"oh, that--cold sore," shrugs I.
"what? a COLD SORE?! that's gross! isn't that HERPES?!!!!!"
"yeah, brandon why don't you fucking keep it down."
"why, that's what it is, isn't it? It's herpes. I don't mean to be mean but... that's what it is." Then I push him down and run out of the room crying.
What happens if I move to another country where they don't have a polite term for a lifelong, extremely contagious virus? Like, what if I move to China and they totally know what's up with Herpes and their term reflects their advanced knowledge. Like, what if they call cold sores "Weeping Face Dragon on Fire" (one character)?
"oh my god! it's a weeping face dragon on fire! why the fuck did you come to work today?"
"no, no, it's a 'cold sore.'" and I run out of the room crying.
I gotta go, it's time for another round of Abreva.
posted by j0eb0t-xj9 at 3:52 PM
4 Comments:
thats too bad joe. at least you dont have a prehensile tail... oh wait, you did. love ya
on a side note, katie is suggesting that the cat licking your face could possibly be a vector for the herpe dragon...
Damn dude. why don't you tell people it's a scar from your days touring with "Spinal Tap." I remember you had a class IV outbreak once back in high school and you didn't go to school but I saw you and it didn't look like a cold sore.
Oh, I thought you were just shot in the face.
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